He doesn't love me the way I want him to

Today is my husband's birthday, so I would be remiss if I didn't express my gratitude for him today. I have been struggling with how much I miss my mom lately, and how alone I have felt since her passing . . .  combine this struggle with crazy unpredictable pregnancy hormones and I feel like I have been a little hard on him, as a result. Sometimes I get frustrated because I don't think he appreciates me, or loves me the way I think I deserve to be loved, and I allow these misconceptions to fester inside and create a bitterness that perpetuates contention and a lack of charity.

Now, we all know that's a bunch of malarky . . . that my husband does, in fact love me and appreciates me, and I was recently reminded (again) of such as I came across one of my favorite quotes:

"I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have." -Unknown

I've been praying a lot lately for revelation on how I can be a better wife - how I can better communicate my needs, while still being compassionate toward my husband and finding ways to foster acceptance and forgiveness in our relationship; to be more loving and supportive toward him, that I might gain a better understanding of how I can strengthen our relationship and perpetuate love instead of resentment . . . and as I came across this quote again, I was reminded to reflect on all the ways he does show his love for me. It's just amazing how in the course of a few short days, my attitude has changed to one of gratitude, and I actually find myself at a loss for words at how lucky I am to have him in my life.

So, here is a list of 10 reasons why I am grateful for my husband:

1. He recently revealed to me that he has a playlist that he listens to regularly, which he titled, "Love My Wife Better," and it is filled with songs that encourage appreciating what you have, and loving the ones in your life more fully. This may sound silly, but I thought it was one of the greatest romantic gestures he has ever shown me;

2. When I express my frustrations with him, he rarely ever lashes out at me, or gets angry. He just takes it all in, as if to process what the problem is and how to fix it. I often mistake this for failing to communicate with me, or shutting down emotionally, but I've come to realize that just because he isn't outwardly giving me the validation I seek in the moment, it doesn't mean he isn't internalizing the problem, trying to think of ways to improve, and make my life easier. I love him;

3. He is not too prideful to admit when he is wrong;

4. He honors me and our commitment to each other with his integrity, and by being loyal in thought and action;

5. He values my happiness;

6. He loves our children unconditionally, and though he often comes across as being the tough disciplinarian (especially with our teenager, and our son), he is usually the first one to show them an increase of love.

7. He is always telling our children to respect and obey me, and to act when they are told (by me) to do something. This may seem like a simple thing, yet to me it is huge. I have seen first-hand how some parents undermine each other in front of their children, but I feel like I have his support and respect 100% in this area.

8. He values physical intimacy. Let's get real for a minute . . . when you've been married almost ten years and you've got four kids (with one on the way), This. Is. Huge.

9. He makes me laugh; and

10. He is genuinely good, and he seeks after righteous things for me and for our family.

I truly am grateful to have this man in my life, and I am committed to focusing on his goodness as I thank my Heavenly Father for blessing me with such a devout eternal companion.

I love you, Babe. Happy Birthday.

Photo Credit: The Purple Lady

Three Good Qualities

Gems of Reflection: Week 30

It's hard to believe that we are already on week 30 of our little Gems of Reflection project. This week was a tough one for me because I am often my own worst critic and sometimes find it difficult to overlook the qualities that I would like to improve about myself, focusing instead on the good qualities. In my heart though, I know that I am a daughter of Heavenly Father, that I have divine potential, and that ultimately, he doesn't create any imperfect beings. So, I am determined to get over my inhibitions today and focus on my positive attributes. So, here goes nothing...

1. I am a good mother. Though I may not be perfect, and often have to repent for losing my temper, or handling a discipline situation in a less than perfect manner, I devote my heart and soul to my children and I honestly always have their best interest at heart. Everything I do, I do for them. I love them unconditionally and strive each day to express my love for them, and to instill in them correct morals and a sense of self worth. My children are the light of my life and I am truly a better person because I am their mother. They each have so much to teach me, and I thank Heavenly Father for them every day. I am thankful, too, that I have the guidance of the gospel to attend me in the learning process. I honestly don't know how I would do this parenting thing without it;

2. I am a good writer. I went to a writer's conference with The Purple Lady back in May of this year, and I left there feeling truly edified and educated, I also left there feeling severely inadequate; though, because being in a professional environment with so many successful authors made me realize how much further I have to go as a writer before I am even remotely ready to join that playing field. Still, for as long as I can remember, I have had a deep-seeded passion for writing. It seems to be in my blood - it's who I am - and though I have a long road ahead of me, I feel a sense of accomplishment when I look at stuff I have written, for I know that I pour my heart and soul into every written word. I know that this gift is a blessing from God, and I know that we must work to hon our talents if we wish to master them. I know, too, that one day I WILL accomplish my goals as a writer, and I look forward to the growth I will experience in the process;

3. I have a natural desire to forgive others. For most of my adult life, I have cherished a quote by Mark Twain in regards to forgiveness. He said:

"Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it."  

I know that I have referenced this quote in previous posts, but it is especially fitting for today because it perfectly illustrates the beauty of forgiving others. Not only does allowing forgiveness release you from the burden of holding a grudge, but as a general rule, I try to see others as Christ sees them, to be accepting and tolerant of their faults, and to be forgiving of their mistakes. After all, I am human too, and I would hope that others would grant me the same courtesy. I am not always perfect on this score, and I do sometimes lose my patience with people, especially when someone I know continues to make the same mistakes on a continuous basis - but again, do the scriptures not tell us that we are required to forgive all men (D&C 64:10)? 

Sometimes, I know that I can be too forgiving, and it has gotten me into a bad spot a time or two. I have found myself wanting to forgive people that I probably shouldn't because of choices they have made in the past - things they have done to me that were completely hurtful and deliberate. I have come to learn, however, that there is a difference between forgiving someone and trusting them again. Matthew 18:21-22 is one of my favorite scriptures. It says:  

21 Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times?

 22 Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven. 

I don't think the Lord was telling Peter to allow people to walk all over him and continuously take advantage of him in these scriptures. However, if we expect the Lord to forgive us for our own repeated transgressions (I know we all have them), then we must also be willing to forgive others continuously and repeatedly. I think too, though, that you can forgive someone and still choose not to associate with them; especially if they are potentially poisonous to your eternal progression and happiness. I just try to see the good in everyone; though, and take things on a case by case basis - relying on the spirit to guide me in the right direction. 

My Conversion to the Gospel

Gems of Reflection : Week 28

As I am sure you are aware, I was supposed to post this Monday, but life got away with me. Oh well. ;)

So, I was born a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and was baptized when I was 8 years old, but I don't think I was fully converted to the Gospel until I was an adult. I went through a period of inactivity from the time that I was about 17 years old, and for the next few years, I lived as though there was no accountability for my actions. I thought I was happy; too, until gradually, things started to unravel. 

I reached a point in my life where I knew something was missing. I tried dating different kinds of guys, thinking maybe that my biological clock was just telling me that it was time to settle down and start a family (or at least add to the one I had already started), but nothing seemed to fill that void. Looking back, I realize that there were many influences that tried to point me back to The Church, but I was too blind by my worldly desires to accept that option as the solution to my problems.

I was even engaged to another man at one point - a man I really didn't even love. I think I had decided that I was tired of being a single mom, and had truly conceded to the idea that because of choices I had made in my past, I was unworthy of happiness. But then, one day I heard a voice in my head as clear as if someone were standing next to me whispering the words into my ear. It said, "This is not the life I had in store for you."

I think that was a major turning point for me. I started to evaluate my life and think about what it was that I was truly missing - what was really important. I soon came to realize what I knew all along - that in my life, I was the happiest when I was living the commandments of God. 

Little by little, I started trying to make little changes that would allow me to find my path back to the Gospel - until one Sunday, I found myself sitting in the congregation of a ward where I had been a member for quite some time, yet had no acquaintance because of the life I had previously chosen to live - only, I wasn't a stranger there because I knew in my heart that I was a child of God. 

I sat there in sacrament meeting that day, holding the program - which displayed a picture of Christ on the cover - and wept uncontrollably as I stared at his loving, accepting face and knew that I was loved. In that moment, I was overwhelmed by the presence of the spirit, which testified to me that THIS is where I was supposed to be. 

Some time later, I read The Miracle of Forgiveness and came to understand how The Plan of Salvation applies to ME as an individual daughter of our Heavenly Father. I was reminded that Jesus died for my own personal sins, and my testimony was strengthened tremendously each day. I started going back to church regularly, and soon came to realize that because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, I AM able to be forgiven for the mistakes I made, and I AM worthy of happiness.

I started setting my sites on making myself worthy to attend the temple, and in the process, met my husband. He was truly an answer to my prayers, and I thank Heavenly Father for him daily. He was and continues to be a testament to me that Heavenly Father does hear and answer our prayers, and that we can be blessed with the innermost desires of our hearts if we choose to be faithful and remain worthy. We were married civilly and then were sealed in the temple one year later. 

The day we went through the temple was one of the most amazing days of my life. A few days prior, I stood at the distribution center with my mom as the attendant measured me for my temple clothing. As we sat and sobbed with joy over the amazing occasion for which we were there preparing, my mom turned to the attendant with tear-filled eyes and said, "She has waited for this day for so long." Thinking that we were there planning for my wedding day (and not a sealing, which was taking place one year after our temporal marriage), the attendant said, "Oh, you are getting married. Congratulations." My mom just looked at her with a proud smile and said, "No, she is being sealed to her family." Realizing the happiness we felt that day preparing for the temple, and knowing the struggles we must have had to overcome, the attendant also burst into tears. She ended up giving both my mom and me a hug. It was such a beautiful moment. I seriously cannot think of the joy we felt that day without tearing up. I am feeling overwhelmed with emotion as I type this now.

Though my return to the Church was gradual, I do have a strong testimony that this Gospel is true, that Jesus Christ is the son of a living God, and that we too can come to be like Him. My testimony is constantly being strengthened as I attend the temple and experience answers to prayers in my own life, and I am truly grateful for second chances, for our Heavenly Father's willingness to forgive, and for His love for His children - for me. And I thank Him for the blessings I receive each day through His love and mercy.  

A Willingness to Forgive

Week 3: What is the biggest lesson in life you have found to be true?

One of the biggest lessons in life that I have found to be true is the fact that forgiveness is the true key to happiness. I think that a person can truly be defined by their ability to forgive; not just with people they are close to and care about, but also with people who we feel may not be deserving of our forgiveness.

In D&C 64:10, it says, "I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men." To forgive is to show compassion - to see others through the eyes of Christ and to understand that we, as humans, are capable of making mistakes, but are also capable of feeling true remorse and experiencing the desire to change. Only the Lord truly knows what is in our hearts, and therefore, it is not our place to judge the actions of others. I believe it is our responsibility to forgive those who have wronged us whether or not they've asked for our forgiveness, and whether or not they even deserve it. The Lord did not command us to forgive those who are worthy of our forgiveness. Nor did he say to forgive only those who request it. He said we must forgive all men. And honestly, I think it was as much for our benefit as for the person's who is in need of our mercy.

Holding a grudge not only harbors pride and resentment, but it takes the space of love and understanding in your heart, without which relationships fester and die. My 12-year-old daughter and I had a conversation the other night, wherein she explained to me how sad she thought it was that so many people in the world allow an argument to destroy their relationship with a loved one, perhaps to the point that they go years without speaking. She said how she hoped that that would never happen to us. I assured her in that moment that it never would - that because of my unconditional love for her, there would always be forgiveness. I only pray that the conversation helped her to understand the value of my relationship with her, along with the importance of forgiveness in her own life. I am sorry, but no argument or misunderstanding is worth losing the ones you love.

Mark Twain said that "Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it."  This has always been one of my favorite quotes. It is a beautiful expression, which exemplifies what an amazing, loving gift that forgiveness can be!

Related link:

52 Gems of Reflection

Thirty Days of Gratitude - Day 25: Forgiveness

Photo by The Purple Lady

One of my most favorite quotes of all time is when Mark Twain said, "Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heal that has crushed it." How beautiful, right? To think that we, as human beings, are capable of such wonderful, Christ-like love for others, that we could be able to forgive them for their trespasses against us.

Christ himself stood on the cross as he was being crucified and prayed to the Lord asking him to forgive the men who were actively in the process of persecuting him, saying, "Forgive them for they know not what they do." I can't think of a better example of someone who loves more freely and forgives more effortlessly than the Savior.

I know that none of us is the Savior, but I do believe that we should try to emulate His example - and one of the most amazing gifts in the world is the human heart's ability to forgive. It gives us the power to heal broken hearts, mend relationships, put an end to feuds, and vanquish grudges.

The scriptures tell us of the Lord's commandment to forgive all men, and I know that there are some circumstances in this life when others transgress against us and their actions seem unforgivable, but I think that the Lord requires us to forgive not only because we are in no position to judge others, but also because the Lord wants us to be free of the burden and bitterness of holding a grudge. I can't tell you how many times I have literally felt a weight lifted off of my shoulders when I made the decision to forgive another for some offense they committed against me. To truly forgive another is to find peace; Not only with others, but with yourself.

Now, I know that I am not perfect. And though I never aim to injure others intentionally, there may have been times that I've offended others in ignorance. If you find yourself in this category of people, I ask in all sincerity for your forgiveness, and pray that these experiences will allow us to grow in our friendship, creating stronger bonds and a deeper appreciation for each other. <3